Revival

I have been neglecting this blog for a little over a year now. It was that whole I'm having a baby and want to start a blog for her and stop being so narcissistic thing. But I need to talk, I need to talk about my marriage and there is no place in two frenchies for what I have to talk about. What I want to share and how I want to share it.

In our quest to have a baby, get pregnant, stay pregnant, carry and birth a healthy child I got consumed. Consumed with ovulating, cervical mucus, basal body temperature, schmeres and sperm little vials and clomid just to name a few. Left and right I saw people getting pregnant with out much effort and I almost drowned in my sorrow. I became a bitter and sarcastic person (not in the fun sarcastic lets all laugh way but in the I'm going to make you cry if you get my coffee wrong type of way.)

When we finally did have a healthy baby it was like our marriage was in the back round. Just hovering there like it was an idea that we had once had but have just tucked away for when we can properly attend to it.

I feel like its still sitting there in the corner, waiting, fading, dying.... So its time for a revival.

DH and I started doing a devotional together, and it was all kinds of fail all over the place. Think of a dentist hitting a nerve in your tooth. I was just uncomfortable and drained and for the first time in my life I had very little to say... It was embarrassing. How did we let it get this bad? Where did we take a left turn off into the divorce detour? So the other day it hit me. I'm the one who took the detour, I have been driving this car off the road the whole time. So I need to get back into the right lane...

I sat the other day with "the love dare" in my hands and I thought "Whats the worst thing that could happen" Well... I could fail... this whole thing could fall apart and it could fail... And so far I failed day one. Day one was to let things go (me? yeah right... elephants never forget and I seem to be that specific shade of grey) Let them go and don't be quick to anger (what the hell was I thinking) and I just flopped flat on my face...

Day two, a new day and something that I was much better at (although its in addition to day one) a small unexpected gesture of kindness... DH was supposed to be at work all day so I left a note on his cell phone...

Like dealing with my fertility issues I am not giving this up with out a fight. I am not going to just let this crawl into a corner and fade away. We have been through too much and have come too far. So.... Here goes nothing....

Things we will never do...

I would like to say that this is a happy entry but I would be deceiving you.

I have realized that there are a multitude of things that we will never do. I will not get to send my son to school, teach him to read, tie his shoes or ride a bike. I will never tuck him in and check for monsters or share my favorite books and hopes he dreams as I dreamt. I will never watch him open presents that we chose just for him on Christmas, nor see his joy and wonder at an aquarium or zoo. I will never see his smile in a family portrait or celebrate the tooth fairy coming for a lost tooth... I will never bandage a scrape or calm a fear...

I will never say "Gianni, this is your sister Evangelina"

And this makes me feel so guilty.

Drum roll please!

So just a short little update to tell all of you that we are having a GIRL!

We went last night for our 4D ultra sound and it was amazing, even though she was a little quiet, I was hoping that we would see a lot of movement but she was pretty quiet. I am a little concerned last time and this time we didn't see a lot of leg movement so I'm going to have to ask my OB about that when I see her next...

I cannot wait to see what shes going to look like. Rob and I are so similar coloring wise but I really hope she has his eyes and a whole mess of dark curly hair!

I'm starting the nursery/ room organization this week so I will be sure to post as soon as I have made some progress!

I have to be thankful

Saturday night was a great night for me.

I realized a few things.

I have never been more in love with my husband than I am at this stage of our life. We had a rough first year and our second was building back and re kindling the spark but our third year... So far... has been a great one... That night we ended up watching The Godfather, I know romantic... But it kind of was, In the Beginning when Don Corleone tells his men that you cannot be a good man with out spending time with your family Rob leans over rubs my belly, smiles and says I know that and I love doing it... and when Michael returns to see Kay and he tells her "from the moment I first saw you I wanted to marry you, I need you." Rob says I knew I wanted to marry you when I first met you... This made me so happy... and so content...

It made me appreciate staying in and just being with "la famiglia"

On the note of family... We hit 17 weeks on Sunday! I am so happy this baby was in our plans and it so happened to be in Gods plan for us as well. Some of you may not understand but I know the very night this little one was conceived and say what you will but knowing that made me feel a connection not only to this baby but to God in a way that I cannot explain. A thirst for obedience that I haven't felt in a very long time. And I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that I am deserving of this gift he has given us...

There is a type of gratitude that I have for my pregnancy that I know I would not have had if I would have just happened to get pregnant. I know that every child is a blessing but for ME and Rob I think this type of reverence is important. Its truly a miracle for us, not something to be taken lightly or dismissed as luck or chance...

I have to be thankful. Rob and I have worked for this and I am so very proud to be able to make him a father... Next post... we find out the sex of the baby!

NT Scan and U/S

So right at our 12 week 1 day mark we went for our NT scan, NT stands for Nuchal Translucency, this is the measurement of fluid in the babys neck and spine. They would like for you to be under 3mm and we were at 1.3 so not even close to the area of risk which made me feel all the more relaxed.

So far I have a strong feeling that its a girl. This pregnancy is completely different than with Gianni. The whole time we were in the office and I saw her bouncing around and waving and kicking it was one of the best moments in my life. So many U/S Rob and I have had where there was nothing or my betas didnt double or were just stagnant and this little baby seems to be perfect so far...

She danced for us and I have been really fond of the name Evangelina, shes Evangelina Ballerina!

I finally broke down and broke out the maternity pants. I went shopping with my Mom and my Aunt the other day and I was so uncomfortable I ended up buying a shirt and rolling my pants down!

We are now heading into the second trimester and in four weeks we will be able to find out if its a girl for sure or a boy (SURPRISE FOR ME!)

This is just a quick update to let you all know that our testing came back and everything is going well!

Where We have been...

Its been the beginning of an interesting year and we are very happy to report that after much trying, much failure, and several miscarriages that we are expecting a so far healthy baby in September of this year!

Around week 5/6 I had some "spotting" which had sent us to the ER. We later found out that Rob and I have incompatible RH factors and that gives our babies specifically a blood disorder (50/50 chance of not developing) which causes my body to expel any pregnancies it does not feel are viable. After this information was found I was relieved and upset. Upset that we had these tests done, supposedly with our fertility specialist at Kaiser and it was never brought to our attention. Furthermore that they had me thinking I was O- in blood type and I am not I'm actually A-.... Now that we know treatment is relatively simple.

Other than having a mild case of Hyperemesis (Uncontrollable Vomiting and Nausea to the point of weight loss) It has been a pretty routine pregnancy... I am 13lbs down and we are almost ready to start our second trimester! The nausea is getting better and I am feeling relatively human again.

Rob is working about 80hrs a week still running his store in Walnut Creek and is very excited about this baby. We are so thankful to all of you that have been with us through this journey, all of your prayers and thoughts that have been with us are so very apprecitated. We have our NT and CVS coming up this next week and we will keep you posted!

(The picture is our future LO (little one) aka Cubbi, bebe, Tweety Bird, Evie at 9w5d)

The Good Fight

I remember sitting in our pastors office, with Rob (then my fiance) and very naively thinking "what could I possibly fight about with this wonderful man?"

After a year and a half of dating, smooth sailing, the most "vanilla" relationship I had ever been in, and yet in the most wonderful way. There was not one thing we didn't agree on.

Amazing right?

Not so much actually. This state of twitterpation, of euphoria, was really the worst thing that could have happened to us as a couple.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had never been in a relationship that wasn't volatile and Rob not knowing how not to say yes when it needed to be no or the other way around. Or him wanting to keep me happy, either way looking back it was probably the worst set of circumstances that befell us over the next two years...

In my search for God I have also noticed that I am searching for myself and for my husband.

Somewhere along the way we went from being this devoted couple to retreating to our separate corners before we have to do too much damage control with each other. I wonder when we stopped fighting the good fight. Or if we still are, just separately and quietly...

Just among the many things I am searching for...

Dear God

I have tried to hard to find you. I know there are people that tell me that you are seeking me and I can always find you but its harder than it seems.

How do I see you in the sick, the helpless, the hopeless, and one of the later being myself?

Where do I find the strength to not cry every morning and every long night?

How do I motivate and stir a passion in my otherwise passionless husband?

There are so many fundamentally wrong things with the church and with "religion" that I cannot reconcile.

I am seeking you and your truth but I have hit a wall...

Where do I go from here?

Search For God (Part Two)

So last I wrote, well blogged, that I didn't know if I believed in God or that I could say I truly believed in God without going through the motions. With out it being real. I had to know and I had to find out for myself.

I have not come to a conclusion yet but I am noticing that my problem isn't with God its with men, women and the church. And it is so much more complicated than I do or don't believe and what I actually believe in.

My own husband I have to say has not been very comforting on this journey of mine.

Here I am trudging around my house with the Torah in one hand the Apocrypha in another the book or Mormon under my arm and notes on Kierkegaard shoved into my mouth on my way to the table and all he says to me is "Why are you letting man define what you think about God" Though he has a valid point there was no help there, so I have fully realized that I am in no mans land. I am wandering my own desert (Oy) hopefully not for forty years...

So from the Vatican News Letter to the Screw tape letters by Lewis, and "the hidden meaning behind the Lord of the Rings" in the past few weeks I have read it and I am no closer to my conclusion of what RELIGION and GOD have to do with each other if anything...

I brush my teeth religiously, I read perezhilton.com religiously... I guess I want to find out if I truly do believe why is the previous so easy and going to temple or church so hard? Why do I get irritated with the clergy and then get brought to tears during the sermon? Why do I feel like every christian is faking it?

What is the true way?

I noticed a flaw in my not believing in God since I believe in the Devil and I believe in demons. There is something disturbing about the fact that I truly feel alright in darkness. Demonology has always been an interest of mine and I have always wondered about the dark underbelly of religion. Exorcisms don't bother me but at the same time I am terrified of myself being under the influence of a demon...

It is all so confusing, I guess I am looking for God to reveal something to me. I regret giving up Judaism when I got married and I am thinking that I need to go back to find the path I am supposed to be on, for myself and in the future for my children...

I continue my search thus far and will keep you updated as to what I find...

The Lost Pearl...

This is a story I read in a book but I feel like it highlights my life right now...

One day my family had gone to the shore on a day trip. My brother and I were playing in the water while my parents read on the beach. Soon after playing in the water we found an oyster bed. There were dozens and dozens of shells some living and some already dead.

We had accumulated a small pile of shells and one that I thought was perfect it was slightly open about an eighth of an inch and something was rattling around inside, I wanted to keep the shell so I tried to shake it out, the oyster innards spilt all over my hands and I went to throw it into the ocean off of the pier. As I threw what I thought was waste off of the pier I saw a small glint in the middle of it. I was young enough to have a firm objective of wanting the perfect shell but old enough to know what I had just thrown away.

I marked the spot with my eyes and swam to the exact spot, I told my brother and we furiously searched the bed where I thought the pearl had landed. Soon enough my parents had told us that it was time to leave soon I frantically told them what had happened and we were now all searching for the pearl. But it was gone and we had a schedule that demanded that we leave almost immediately, we had to go and I left the pearl there in the ocean a gift from the perfect shell that I had thrown away...

Years later after I had been married the subject of children came up and I just wasn't ready in my mind there were things I wanted to do, things I did not want to give up between my husband and I and for seven years of our marriage I tried to find a reason to not have children. Shortly after i had given in and gave birth to our first child we had found out that the days of my childbearing were over, and our brand new baby even at that was a miracle. Eight years I had wasted that I could have had children... A gift from a perfect shell that God had given me I had again thrown away... I tried to make Gods timing my timing

~makes you think doesn't it?

Searching For God (Part One)

This blog has been a long time coming. I have written it after much thought and debate... Everything you read here after is personal findings and facts of my own accord...


For a few months now I have not been able to find a connection with God. I went searching for him once before and this time I turned up empty handed. Here it is again after three in the morning and I cannot make sense of it all.

I would have to assume that the catalyst of this past search would be that I was thinking about my son. How I still hear his cries in my sleep. How I can’t get the sound of his last breath out of my head and it is absolutely torture. Every single time I see a dark haired green eyed baby boy I just want to pick him up and go “oh there you are! I’ve missed you!” I know its not going to happen but in my mind if it were that’s how it would play out. I admit I day dream a lot.

Then it continued with how the whole process just does not make any sense to me. I was searching for some one to explain the logic behind Christianity and how those people who show up every Sunday were some how in their eyes more worthy than any one else on the face of the Earth because they had “seen the light” so to speak. Maybe that is what I have the hardest time with. It seems like there are a certain type of “Christian” that acts like a spoiled rich teenage brat. Like they are some how “entitled” to the kingdom of God because every Sunday they go to church and have their small groups and bible studies and then come home and make the rest of the world feel inferior or some how not part of the club.

I have a problem here. I really don’t see how “God” can accept some one who is two faced and belittling and generally a nuisance to the general public by their false sense of entitlement and spewing of right wing propaganda into heaven as to say my Father. Some one who doesn’t believe in God but goes into the trenches of hell on earth every day. Who risks his life for those by even worldly standards are beneath what should and is being offered. It sickens me to think that in “gods” eyes he is less worthy then lets say my biological father, or my sister in law or Mother in Law or even my own husband.

I used to think that my relationship with God came into question and subsequently died with my son on September 12th 2008 but I now see that it has been long and coming and I just want to be able to see where the break was. So I can effectively treat it. If that is, it is a treatable break and not something I am better off just severing all together.

As for right now I do not believe there is a God. I still have my roots buried in religion and tradition because that is the person that I am. It has been a part of who I am since I was born. I just don’t know how I can continue to live my life with out TRULY believing. I need to find out how... Or better yet if I can...

Until Part Two.

Privileged

So many thoughts come to mind when you say the word privileged. So many different things can be taken the wrong way... I'm not talking about the privilege of being born in to money or being genetically gifted... well maybe I am...

Rob and I have suffered so many fertility problems over the past three years... All resulting in the death of an infant son and three miscarriages.

I noticed myself becoming bitter the other day. I mean truly bitter in every sense of the word when the fourth person in my life said something to the effect of "Oh and we weren't even trying to get pregnant"

It stung me to my core...

Its hard enough to be thinking about it every day, every moment of everyday really, and to be blindsided with the face that you don't really hurts. Not that I am upset by people that can because I cant, but I am.

Its not logical and its purely emotional and its an obsession that I don't think will be quenched until we have a baby in our home...

I guess I just wanted to touch on that note of privilege...

Some Mothers

I don't know what it is about some mothers that just irritate me. I guess its just like politics the two extremes are both irrational and sometimes both as equally ignorant. I know that I am not one but in the same sense I am one. I make decisions for a child in my household every day, I bathe, diaper, rock, feed and clothe one every day... So yes I am a mother and have given birth to a child; now that that's out of the way.

I had my mother in law tell me the other day that she thinks she will never be good enough for her daughter. This bothers me so much because my Mother in Law is a wonderful grandmother and she almost never sees her grandchildren.

There is something about the mother that is "called" to be a home maker that just screams "I'm so much better at this than you"

I don't know if the whole home maker mentality even really exists any more or if it is just the scaled down boob job. Look my house is cleaner than yours! Look my kids know french! Look I make my husbands life easier in every way accept I wont give head! OK the last one was a little vindictive, BUT truly, that's how I see it.

I think that it is a total cop out for some one to say they "choose" to be a "stay at home mom" and I am finding empowerment behind that title. Its not a title its the way God designed it to be. though women are just as smart, just as capable as a man at most everything. But men cant breastfeed or give life like we can we are just built for it. So to "choose" it is a fallacy... You cant choose something that you were created to do so why make the rest of us that choose to work feel bad about it?

And furthermore, stop scaring the hell out of those of us that haven't made it there yet!

I am in my mid 20's and terrified that if I am not a mother to a biological child by the time I am 30 I will not have the energy to be good enough, happy enough, clean enough or holy enough... That id I choose to wite my book my children will some how one day go to therapy with one of my husbands colleagues and tell them that they missed out on my homemade baby food, or if I decided to teach that I was to busy grading papers and it scarred them for life that I bought pizza and made sandwiches for more than one or five meals a week.

Why does it have to be a terrorist operation? Why cant we just leave it at every family is different and some families are better off if Mom doesn't cook! I know my kids might feel that way. Or if some Moms don't stay at home, I personally feel that my husband has a more maternal quality than I do. I attribute that to my wonderful mother in law... I on the other hand have a more masculine quality and am OK with that, and have embraced it...

I guess I just want to stop the fighting. Stop the stare down and Babies R Us and the play ground or doctors office...

Because lets face it, no one, is or ever will be the Perfect Mother...

Why Crisis

I really did want this blog to have a more upbeat tone and I wanted it to be about my husband and I but this life of ours it involves so many people from so many walks of life and I am not positive all the time. Not even half of the time. At this point in my marriage of year three of being together with Rob, we have been rocked to our core and I just have to ask why... Why? Someone for the sake of God tell me! WHY?

We did everything right, we went to school first, met each others family and talked marriage got engaged got married went into debt got pregnant and here we are today basically homeless no child and two dogs... Why?

I would like some one to explain to me how all of the idiot parents out there still have their children and I don't have my son with me today... How mothers keep coming back for more with the foster care system and yet I don't have a child and cannot get pregnant... 8 months and nothing...

I mean of course there are bigger whys like Why are there starving children in Africa, or Why is there AIDS or why havent we cured world hunger if 60% of Americas population is over weight? I get those whys...

I just cant put my finger on Why I am not a mother. Here I am in my mid twenties and there is no baby in sight. No reason why I have not "given my husband the greatest gift a woman could give a man".

Its becoming an obsession...

I am having a Crisis of Why...

I will do it tomorrow

Rob and I always say this, and we never get to it. This is just a short note to tell you how this will make you love your partner for not making you do things but will also make you want to murder them for not taking out the trash...

The Safe Word Is Banana...

For those of you that don't know, I love sex. If I could have it twice a day before meals I would. However; Rob and I have jobs and friends and family members, dogs that have to be fed. You get the picture.

I was thinking the other day that movies and T.V. and even talking to friends makes it all seem so easy and romantic and sometimes funny, comical even depending on the situation.

Last time I talked about the need I have for perfect romantic moments. Sex is one of them all the time every time. I don't believe that just because you have kids or a busy life that you can get away with a quickie every now and then and call it intimacy. For those of you that have that as a sex life I am so sorry... Come with me ... we will go some where you can learn to fix it...

Oh wait. I am one of those women...

I don't know how we got here but we never had that whole honey moon thing it was just sex and that's it, not making love and not fucking it was just good ole christian baby making sex.

And any attempt that I had/have tried to make it better is thwarted by ruined plans or laughter. I have to give it to my husband though he has a good sense of humor for all of the crazy things I have thrown at him and some yet to be thrown but if memory serves correctly they will be knocked out of the park like everything else.

How did we get so consumed with sex in the first place? Is it just a depravity of human nature that we have become obsessed with it? Like when I scratch Delilah or Rupert's butt and the leg shake starts? Or are we just a bunch of creative SOB's and I am the one idiot that is thinking about it too much? Probably the second one.

Though I was watching family guy tonight and Peter and Lois were talking about their kids while strapping on leather duds and a ball gag dolling out a safe word like it was an average night for them. I was so envious! Of CARTOON CHARACTERS!

Maybe this is just my life and the only time I will yell banana is if I want one for breakfast... Oh hell I don't even eat breakfast....

Um I think I got gum on Your shorts...

When Rob came to my place when we were dating I always thought it was strange that he never brought over night clothes. I at the time, lived in Santa Cruz with my three male house mates, and he lived in the East Bay. So in my mind coming over to spend the day or even just the night would warrant some sleep wear and a change of something other than a shirt... I guess it may have crossed my mind then but I was just so twitterpated that it didn't matter.

I on the other hand, having thought about the fact that I thought he was so modest that it was kind of sweet. It was very low pressure. Actually, NO pressure at all. I kind of gave it away all up front. (I wonder if he regrets that about me sometimes.)

I thought that him sleeping in jean shorts must have been so uncomfortable for him, when really it was just male laziness. I know this because we have been married now for two years and he still sleeps in his shorts on a regular basis. Though if there were a fire he wouldn't be like me frantically looking for clothes to put on before I ran out of the house.

Well I thought he was trying as hard as I was to make the overnight thing just as magical as you see it in movies. I'm kind of a freak like that, so I try by always shaving/waxing, wearing makeup to bed, you know all the things that you wouldn't do if there weren't the prospect of new and exciting sex in the wings.

He wasn't. But that didn't deter me from trying my hardest. Now you must understand my motivation behind this was truly for the benefit of the morning after kiss. I suffered and still do suffer from, well its been called dragon breath. I am an avid gum chewer, I floss and brush at least three times a day and still its just horrible. I know it has to do with diet but I refuse to give up a lot of my diet so I deal with it how I can...

So I had the genius idea that if gum worked during the day it may as well work at night right? For the most part a flawless idea. I almost NEVER wake up with my mouth open unless I am horrendously sick so whats the worst thing that could happen?

One morning I woke up to find that the gum had rolled out of my mouth... part of it in my hair; and another part of it was on his shorts. This bright green lime mint gum was on his shorts! I'm sure you can imagine how much I freaked. This was so not in the realm of the perfect morning after.

Luckily I got the gum out of every where before he woke up, which I have to tell you was a miracle in itself because to this day I almost NEVER wake up before Rob. I brushed my teeth and slunk back into bed almost mortified and very plausibly; sure that he was somehow going to know what happened. He never found out.

But every morning I wake up to him in his jean shorts, I laugh to myself a little. Especially because he really could care less about the morning breath.

Those are the benefits of being married.

There is something comfortable...

There is something so comfortable about watching my husband play Halo3 while I procrastinate writing my book.

I guess the violence of how the dead players are being thrown about make the violence in my brain seem a little more normal. I don't even know if that makes sense. I must be looking for meaning again where there isn't any. At least not to that depth.

There seems to be nothing new, nothing fresh in my mind. Which you think wouldn't be a problem for someone who is writing historical fiction...

But its MY fictitious take on what REALLY happened to my family over the years. This truly is more of a pet project that my grandfather convinced me to do and that I really want to finish before his death.

Rob thinks that I have the drive and the passion to tell the story the way it should be told. But even in this blog there is nothing spectacular about how I am writing these thoughts down. Or Blogging these thoughts down, whatever...

So I go back to the feeling of comfort I have laying here on my bed, Rob next to me, playing video games as I seethe anger towards this project. I know even though I struggle with it , it is what I am supposed to be doing...

Im Proud of You...

My husband and I have been through a whole hell of a lot in our first year or two of marriage and it was just the other night that we had an "AH-HA" moment together.

However in the midst of everything he managed to say four words to me that made me realize that we really are still fighting the good fight for a reason. That there is a silver lining to every day... He managed to say something to me that my own father never has.

I'm Proud of You...

It was the single most encouraging moment in our marriage this year...

How we met

When my husband and I met he was joining my show "already in progress" so to speak. I had a long career of dating the same guy in a different package with the same problems. And I was sick and tired of it. So I tried online dating, and much to my surprise it worked! TA DA! Well duh it worked you paid it to work for you...

He and I became friends and talked for months about who else we were dating and where we wanted our lives to go and where we saw ourselves in two or three years, and then in five and then in ten...

And I have to tell you while we were up late and on the phone or on a date we were the only two people in the world and it was fine for me. I wanted that, I needed that.

We met on eHarmony and were matched in late 2005 talked through most of 2006 and began dating, took a break at my hand and then were married in November of 2007. A process that now looking back was entirely too short. When they match you, you already know everything from religion to blood type and shoe size amongst favorite books personal goals and what the persons friends may or may not think about them from their perspective.

Now part of me loved that, I love getting to know people. QUALITY people and eHarmony completely delivered that. But once their part was done I let the communication go by the wayside and I was completely and utterly twitterpated with my now husband... this would come back to bite me in the ass later...

eHarmony is fantastic and I would recommend it to any one who is done with conventional dating.
But I would also recommend new couple counseling to ALL the people that get engaged coming from me I think we needed that and after talking to other couples I think they needed it too.

I just don't know what happened between I'm falling for you and I do...