Search For God (Part Two)

So last I wrote, well blogged, that I didn't know if I believed in God or that I could say I truly believed in God without going through the motions. With out it being real. I had to know and I had to find out for myself.

I have not come to a conclusion yet but I am noticing that my problem isn't with God its with men, women and the church. And it is so much more complicated than I do or don't believe and what I actually believe in.

My own husband I have to say has not been very comforting on this journey of mine.

Here I am trudging around my house with the Torah in one hand the Apocrypha in another the book or Mormon under my arm and notes on Kierkegaard shoved into my mouth on my way to the table and all he says to me is "Why are you letting man define what you think about God" Though he has a valid point there was no help there, so I have fully realized that I am in no mans land. I am wandering my own desert (Oy) hopefully not for forty years...

So from the Vatican News Letter to the Screw tape letters by Lewis, and "the hidden meaning behind the Lord of the Rings" in the past few weeks I have read it and I am no closer to my conclusion of what RELIGION and GOD have to do with each other if anything...

I brush my teeth religiously, I read perezhilton.com religiously... I guess I want to find out if I truly do believe why is the previous so easy and going to temple or church so hard? Why do I get irritated with the clergy and then get brought to tears during the sermon? Why do I feel like every christian is faking it?

What is the true way?

I noticed a flaw in my not believing in God since I believe in the Devil and I believe in demons. There is something disturbing about the fact that I truly feel alright in darkness. Demonology has always been an interest of mine and I have always wondered about the dark underbelly of religion. Exorcisms don't bother me but at the same time I am terrified of myself being under the influence of a demon...

It is all so confusing, I guess I am looking for God to reveal something to me. I regret giving up Judaism when I got married and I am thinking that I need to go back to find the path I am supposed to be on, for myself and in the future for my children...

I continue my search thus far and will keep you updated as to what I find...

Searching For God (Part One)

This blog has been a long time coming. I have written it after much thought and debate... Everything you read here after is personal findings and facts of my own accord...


For a few months now I have not been able to find a connection with God. I went searching for him once before and this time I turned up empty handed. Here it is again after three in the morning and I cannot make sense of it all.

I would have to assume that the catalyst of this past search would be that I was thinking about my son. How I still hear his cries in my sleep. How I can’t get the sound of his last breath out of my head and it is absolutely torture. Every single time I see a dark haired green eyed baby boy I just want to pick him up and go “oh there you are! I’ve missed you!” I know its not going to happen but in my mind if it were that’s how it would play out. I admit I day dream a lot.

Then it continued with how the whole process just does not make any sense to me. I was searching for some one to explain the logic behind Christianity and how those people who show up every Sunday were some how in their eyes more worthy than any one else on the face of the Earth because they had “seen the light” so to speak. Maybe that is what I have the hardest time with. It seems like there are a certain type of “Christian” that acts like a spoiled rich teenage brat. Like they are some how “entitled” to the kingdom of God because every Sunday they go to church and have their small groups and bible studies and then come home and make the rest of the world feel inferior or some how not part of the club.

I have a problem here. I really don’t see how “God” can accept some one who is two faced and belittling and generally a nuisance to the general public by their false sense of entitlement and spewing of right wing propaganda into heaven as to say my Father. Some one who doesn’t believe in God but goes into the trenches of hell on earth every day. Who risks his life for those by even worldly standards are beneath what should and is being offered. It sickens me to think that in “gods” eyes he is less worthy then lets say my biological father, or my sister in law or Mother in Law or even my own husband.

I used to think that my relationship with God came into question and subsequently died with my son on September 12th 2008 but I now see that it has been long and coming and I just want to be able to see where the break was. So I can effectively treat it. If that is, it is a treatable break and not something I am better off just severing all together.

As for right now I do not believe there is a God. I still have my roots buried in religion and tradition because that is the person that I am. It has been a part of who I am since I was born. I just don’t know how I can continue to live my life with out TRULY believing. I need to find out how... Or better yet if I can...

Until Part Two.