Dear God

I have tried to hard to find you. I know there are people that tell me that you are seeking me and I can always find you but its harder than it seems.

How do I see you in the sick, the helpless, the hopeless, and one of the later being myself?

Where do I find the strength to not cry every morning and every long night?

How do I motivate and stir a passion in my otherwise passionless husband?

There are so many fundamentally wrong things with the church and with "religion" that I cannot reconcile.

I am seeking you and your truth but I have hit a wall...

Where do I go from here?

Search For God (Part Two)

So last I wrote, well blogged, that I didn't know if I believed in God or that I could say I truly believed in God without going through the motions. With out it being real. I had to know and I had to find out for myself.

I have not come to a conclusion yet but I am noticing that my problem isn't with God its with men, women and the church. And it is so much more complicated than I do or don't believe and what I actually believe in.

My own husband I have to say has not been very comforting on this journey of mine.

Here I am trudging around my house with the Torah in one hand the Apocrypha in another the book or Mormon under my arm and notes on Kierkegaard shoved into my mouth on my way to the table and all he says to me is "Why are you letting man define what you think about God" Though he has a valid point there was no help there, so I have fully realized that I am in no mans land. I am wandering my own desert (Oy) hopefully not for forty years...

So from the Vatican News Letter to the Screw tape letters by Lewis, and "the hidden meaning behind the Lord of the Rings" in the past few weeks I have read it and I am no closer to my conclusion of what RELIGION and GOD have to do with each other if anything...

I brush my teeth religiously, I read perezhilton.com religiously... I guess I want to find out if I truly do believe why is the previous so easy and going to temple or church so hard? Why do I get irritated with the clergy and then get brought to tears during the sermon? Why do I feel like every christian is faking it?

What is the true way?

I noticed a flaw in my not believing in God since I believe in the Devil and I believe in demons. There is something disturbing about the fact that I truly feel alright in darkness. Demonology has always been an interest of mine and I have always wondered about the dark underbelly of religion. Exorcisms don't bother me but at the same time I am terrified of myself being under the influence of a demon...

It is all so confusing, I guess I am looking for God to reveal something to me. I regret giving up Judaism when I got married and I am thinking that I need to go back to find the path I am supposed to be on, for myself and in the future for my children...

I continue my search thus far and will keep you updated as to what I find...

Things they dont tell you when you get engaged.

It has come to my attention that marriage is a club, a right of passage if you will that people desperately want you to join so you two can share in the love and triumph and stability among many other things that marriage brings...

But it also brings heartbreak, death of dreams, confusion and more often that not game playing, oh yes that ever so seductive dance that we do while dating... Much to your dismay it continues while you're married...

When I got engaged no one was honest with me, and now that i am in my second year of marriage I wish they would have been. I think more men and women need to talk about this. I would have been better prepared for the daily struggle of a NORMAL marriage had my friends and FAMILY said something.

No one told me that one day you and your husband were going to look at each other and say that your wedding was a waste of money. Or that your sex life was going to suck, or that neither of you were going to know how to cook. That 90% of what you registered for you weren't EVER going to use and that you might get pregnant before you wanted to despite your best efforts, and that your sister in law was going to make it look shamelessly easy and make you feel horrible without even trying. No one says to you that you are one day going to look over at your husband and want to punch him in the face because the toilet paper is rolling backwards, or the cap on the toothpaste is caked in green goup.

Or that you might have to deal with the death of a family member, or cancer, or a divorce of your closest friends or that one or both of you could lose a job...

No one tells you that above all else, at the end of the day you will be grateful to know that you are going to bed with the only other person who knows how you feel and has your best interest in mind.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to talk about these things and I am going to. No more silence on my part, no longer will I go to a bridal shower and say you will never be happier! Or lie and say that it was the best two years of my life! Well in a way it was... but for most of it I was hurt and confused and lost...

That's honest and true...