I have to be thankful

Saturday night was a great night for me.

I realized a few things.

I have never been more in love with my husband than I am at this stage of our life. We had a rough first year and our second was building back and re kindling the spark but our third year... So far... has been a great one... That night we ended up watching The Godfather, I know romantic... But it kind of was, In the Beginning when Don Corleone tells his men that you cannot be a good man with out spending time with your family Rob leans over rubs my belly, smiles and says I know that and I love doing it... and when Michael returns to see Kay and he tells her "from the moment I first saw you I wanted to marry you, I need you." Rob says I knew I wanted to marry you when I first met you... This made me so happy... and so content...

It made me appreciate staying in and just being with "la famiglia"

On the note of family... We hit 17 weeks on Sunday! I am so happy this baby was in our plans and it so happened to be in Gods plan for us as well. Some of you may not understand but I know the very night this little one was conceived and say what you will but knowing that made me feel a connection not only to this baby but to God in a way that I cannot explain. A thirst for obedience that I haven't felt in a very long time. And I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that I am deserving of this gift he has given us...

There is a type of gratitude that I have for my pregnancy that I know I would not have had if I would have just happened to get pregnant. I know that every child is a blessing but for ME and Rob I think this type of reverence is important. Its truly a miracle for us, not something to be taken lightly or dismissed as luck or chance...

I have to be thankful. Rob and I have worked for this and I am so very proud to be able to make him a father... Next post... we find out the sex of the baby!

The Good Fight

I remember sitting in our pastors office, with Rob (then my fiance) and very naively thinking "what could I possibly fight about with this wonderful man?"

After a year and a half of dating, smooth sailing, the most "vanilla" relationship I had ever been in, and yet in the most wonderful way. There was not one thing we didn't agree on.

Amazing right?

Not so much actually. This state of twitterpation, of euphoria, was really the worst thing that could have happened to us as a couple.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had never been in a relationship that wasn't volatile and Rob not knowing how not to say yes when it needed to be no or the other way around. Or him wanting to keep me happy, either way looking back it was probably the worst set of circumstances that befell us over the next two years...

In my search for God I have also noticed that I am searching for myself and for my husband.

Somewhere along the way we went from being this devoted couple to retreating to our separate corners before we have to do too much damage control with each other. I wonder when we stopped fighting the good fight. Or if we still are, just separately and quietly...

Just among the many things I am searching for...

Why Crisis

I really did want this blog to have a more upbeat tone and I wanted it to be about my husband and I but this life of ours it involves so many people from so many walks of life and I am not positive all the time. Not even half of the time. At this point in my marriage of year three of being together with Rob, we have been rocked to our core and I just have to ask why... Why? Someone for the sake of God tell me! WHY?

We did everything right, we went to school first, met each others family and talked marriage got engaged got married went into debt got pregnant and here we are today basically homeless no child and two dogs... Why?

I would like some one to explain to me how all of the idiot parents out there still have their children and I don't have my son with me today... How mothers keep coming back for more with the foster care system and yet I don't have a child and cannot get pregnant... 8 months and nothing...

I mean of course there are bigger whys like Why are there starving children in Africa, or Why is there AIDS or why havent we cured world hunger if 60% of Americas population is over weight? I get those whys...

I just cant put my finger on Why I am not a mother. Here I am in my mid twenties and there is no baby in sight. No reason why I have not "given my husband the greatest gift a woman could give a man".

Its becoming an obsession...

I am having a Crisis of Why...

Things they dont tell you when you get engaged.

It has come to my attention that marriage is a club, a right of passage if you will that people desperately want you to join so you two can share in the love and triumph and stability among many other things that marriage brings...

But it also brings heartbreak, death of dreams, confusion and more often that not game playing, oh yes that ever so seductive dance that we do while dating... Much to your dismay it continues while you're married...

When I got engaged no one was honest with me, and now that i am in my second year of marriage I wish they would have been. I think more men and women need to talk about this. I would have been better prepared for the daily struggle of a NORMAL marriage had my friends and FAMILY said something.

No one told me that one day you and your husband were going to look at each other and say that your wedding was a waste of money. Or that your sex life was going to suck, or that neither of you were going to know how to cook. That 90% of what you registered for you weren't EVER going to use and that you might get pregnant before you wanted to despite your best efforts, and that your sister in law was going to make it look shamelessly easy and make you feel horrible without even trying. No one says to you that you are one day going to look over at your husband and want to punch him in the face because the toilet paper is rolling backwards, or the cap on the toothpaste is caked in green goup.

Or that you might have to deal with the death of a family member, or cancer, or a divorce of your closest friends or that one or both of you could lose a job...

No one tells you that above all else, at the end of the day you will be grateful to know that you are going to bed with the only other person who knows how you feel and has your best interest in mind.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to talk about these things and I am going to. No more silence on my part, no longer will I go to a bridal shower and say you will never be happier! Or lie and say that it was the best two years of my life! Well in a way it was... but for most of it I was hurt and confused and lost...

That's honest and true...