The Good Fight

I remember sitting in our pastors office, with Rob (then my fiance) and very naively thinking "what could I possibly fight about with this wonderful man?"

After a year and a half of dating, smooth sailing, the most "vanilla" relationship I had ever been in, and yet in the most wonderful way. There was not one thing we didn't agree on.

Amazing right?

Not so much actually. This state of twitterpation, of euphoria, was really the worst thing that could have happened to us as a couple.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had never been in a relationship that wasn't volatile and Rob not knowing how not to say yes when it needed to be no or the other way around. Or him wanting to keep me happy, either way looking back it was probably the worst set of circumstances that befell us over the next two years...

In my search for God I have also noticed that I am searching for myself and for my husband.

Somewhere along the way we went from being this devoted couple to retreating to our separate corners before we have to do too much damage control with each other. I wonder when we stopped fighting the good fight. Or if we still are, just separately and quietly...

Just among the many things I am searching for...

Search For God (Part Two)

So last I wrote, well blogged, that I didn't know if I believed in God or that I could say I truly believed in God without going through the motions. With out it being real. I had to know and I had to find out for myself.

I have not come to a conclusion yet but I am noticing that my problem isn't with God its with men, women and the church. And it is so much more complicated than I do or don't believe and what I actually believe in.

My own husband I have to say has not been very comforting on this journey of mine.

Here I am trudging around my house with the Torah in one hand the Apocrypha in another the book or Mormon under my arm and notes on Kierkegaard shoved into my mouth on my way to the table and all he says to me is "Why are you letting man define what you think about God" Though he has a valid point there was no help there, so I have fully realized that I am in no mans land. I am wandering my own desert (Oy) hopefully not for forty years...

So from the Vatican News Letter to the Screw tape letters by Lewis, and "the hidden meaning behind the Lord of the Rings" in the past few weeks I have read it and I am no closer to my conclusion of what RELIGION and GOD have to do with each other if anything...

I brush my teeth religiously, I read perezhilton.com religiously... I guess I want to find out if I truly do believe why is the previous so easy and going to temple or church so hard? Why do I get irritated with the clergy and then get brought to tears during the sermon? Why do I feel like every christian is faking it?

What is the true way?

I noticed a flaw in my not believing in God since I believe in the Devil and I believe in demons. There is something disturbing about the fact that I truly feel alright in darkness. Demonology has always been an interest of mine and I have always wondered about the dark underbelly of religion. Exorcisms don't bother me but at the same time I am terrified of myself being under the influence of a demon...

It is all so confusing, I guess I am looking for God to reveal something to me. I regret giving up Judaism when I got married and I am thinking that I need to go back to find the path I am supposed to be on, for myself and in the future for my children...

I continue my search thus far and will keep you updated as to what I find...