Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Revival

I have been neglecting this blog for a little over a year now. It was that whole I'm having a baby and want to start a blog for her and stop being so narcissistic thing. But I need to talk, I need to talk about my marriage and there is no place in two frenchies for what I have to talk about. What I want to share and how I want to share it.

In our quest to have a baby, get pregnant, stay pregnant, carry and birth a healthy child I got consumed. Consumed with ovulating, cervical mucus, basal body temperature, schmeres and sperm little vials and clomid just to name a few. Left and right I saw people getting pregnant with out much effort and I almost drowned in my sorrow. I became a bitter and sarcastic person (not in the fun sarcastic lets all laugh way but in the I'm going to make you cry if you get my coffee wrong type of way.)

When we finally did have a healthy baby it was like our marriage was in the back round. Just hovering there like it was an idea that we had once had but have just tucked away for when we can properly attend to it.

I feel like its still sitting there in the corner, waiting, fading, dying.... So its time for a revival.

DH and I started doing a devotional together, and it was all kinds of fail all over the place. Think of a dentist hitting a nerve in your tooth. I was just uncomfortable and drained and for the first time in my life I had very little to say... It was embarrassing. How did we let it get this bad? Where did we take a left turn off into the divorce detour? So the other day it hit me. I'm the one who took the detour, I have been driving this car off the road the whole time. So I need to get back into the right lane...

I sat the other day with "the love dare" in my hands and I thought "Whats the worst thing that could happen" Well... I could fail... this whole thing could fall apart and it could fail... And so far I failed day one. Day one was to let things go (me? yeah right... elephants never forget and I seem to be that specific shade of grey) Let them go and don't be quick to anger (what the hell was I thinking) and I just flopped flat on my face...

Day two, a new day and something that I was much better at (although its in addition to day one) a small unexpected gesture of kindness... DH was supposed to be at work all day so I left a note on his cell phone...



Like dealing with my fertility issues I am not giving this up with out a fight. I am not going to just let this crawl into a corner and fade away. We have been through too much and have come too far. So.... Here goes nothing....

1 comment:

  1. Good for you! Going through infertility and having a new baby is hard on ANY marriage. I've been there, done that.
    Like every other part of our life... we can't do it without the One in our hearts giving us the strength to be like Him!

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