Saturday, June 13, 2009

Search For God (Part Two)


So last I wrote, well blogged, that I didn't know if I believed in God or that I could say I truly believed in God without going through the motions. With out it being real. I had to know and I had to find out for myself.


I have not come to a conclusion yet but I am noticing that my problem isn't with God its with men, women and the church. And it is so much more complicated than I do or don't believe and what I actually believe in.


My own husband I have to say has not been very comforting on this journey of mine.

Here I am trudging around my house with the Torah in one hand the Apocrypha in another the book or Mormon under my arm and notes on Kierkegaard shoved into my mouth on my way to the table and all he says to me is "Why are you letting man define what you think about God" Though he has a valid point there was no help there, so I have fully realized that I am in no mans land. I am wandering my own desert (Oy) hopefully not for forty years...

So from the Vatican News Letter to the Screw tape letters by Lewis, and "the hidden meaning behind the Lord of the Rings" in the past few weeks I have read it and I am no closer to my conclusion of what RELIGION and GOD have to do with each other if anything...

I brush my teeth religiously, I read perezhilton.com religiously... I guess I want to find out if I truly do believe why is the previous so easy and going to temple or church so hard? Why do I get irritated with the clergy and then get brought to tears during the sermon? Why do I feel like every christian is faking it?

What is the true way?

I noticed a flaw in my not believing in God since I believe in the Devil and I believe in demons. There is something disturbing about the fact that I truly feel alright in darkness. Demonology has always been an interest of mine and I have always wondered about the dark underbelly of religion. Exorcisms don't bother me but at the same time I am terrified of myself being under the influence of a demon...

It is all so confusing, I guess I am looking for God to reveal something to me. I regret giving up Judaism when I got married and I am thinking that I need to go back to find the path I am supposed to be on, for myself and in the future for my children...

I continue my search thus far and will keep you updated as to what I find...

The Lost Pearl...



This is a story I read in a book but I feel like it highlights my life right now...

One day my family had gone to the shore on a day trip. My brother and I were playing in the water while my parents read on the beach. Soon after playing in the water we found an oyster bed. There were dozens and dozens of shells some living and some already dead.

We had accumulated a small pile of shells and one that I thought was perfect it was slightly open about an eighth of an inch and something was rattling around inside, I wanted to keep the shell so I tried to shake it out, the oyster innards spilt all over my hands and I went to throw it into the ocean off of the pier. As I threw what I thought was waste off of the pier I saw a small glint in the middle of it. I was young enough to have a firm objective of wanting the perfect shell but old enough to know what I had just thrown away.

I marked the spot with my eyes and swam to the exact spot, I told my brother and we furiously searched the bed where I thought the pearl had landed. Soon enough my parents had told us that it was time to leave soon I frantically told them what had happened and we were now all searching for the pearl. But it was gone and we had a schedule that demanded that we leave almost immediately, we had to go and I left the pearl there in the ocean a gift from the perfect shell that I had thrown away...

Years later after I had been married the subject of children came up and I just wasn't ready in my mind there were things I wanted to do, things I did not want to give up between my husband and I and for seven years of our marriage I tried to find a reason to not have children. Shortly after i had given in and gave birth to our first child we had found out that the days of my childbearing were over, and our brand new baby even at that was a miracle. Eight years I had wasted that I could have had children... A gift from a perfect shell that God had given me I had again thrown away... I tried to make Gods timing my timing

~makes you think doesn't it?