Why Crisis

I really did want this blog to have a more upbeat tone and I wanted it to be about my husband and I but this life of ours it involves so many people from so many walks of life and I am not positive all the time. Not even half of the time. At this point in my marriage of year three of being together with Rob, we have been rocked to our core and I just have to ask why... Why? Someone for the sake of God tell me! WHY?

We did everything right, we went to school first, met each others family and talked marriage got engaged got married went into debt got pregnant and here we are today basically homeless no child and two dogs... Why?

I would like some one to explain to me how all of the idiot parents out there still have their children and I don't have my son with me today... How mothers keep coming back for more with the foster care system and yet I don't have a child and cannot get pregnant... 8 months and nothing...

I mean of course there are bigger whys like Why are there starving children in Africa, or Why is there AIDS or why havent we cured world hunger if 60% of Americas population is over weight? I get those whys...

I just cant put my finger on Why I am not a mother. Here I am in my mid twenties and there is no baby in sight. No reason why I have not "given my husband the greatest gift a woman could give a man".

Its becoming an obsession...

I am having a Crisis of Why...

I will do it tomorrow

Rob and I always say this, and we never get to it. This is just a short note to tell you how this will make you love your partner for not making you do things but will also make you want to murder them for not taking out the trash...

The Safe Word Is Banana...

For those of you that don't know, I love sex. If I could have it twice a day before meals I would. However; Rob and I have jobs and friends and family members, dogs that have to be fed. You get the picture.

I was thinking the other day that movies and T.V. and even talking to friends makes it all seem so easy and romantic and sometimes funny, comical even depending on the situation.

Last time I talked about the need I have for perfect romantic moments. Sex is one of them all the time every time. I don't believe that just because you have kids or a busy life that you can get away with a quickie every now and then and call it intimacy. For those of you that have that as a sex life I am so sorry... Come with me ... we will go some where you can learn to fix it...

Oh wait. I am one of those women...

I don't know how we got here but we never had that whole honey moon thing it was just sex and that's it, not making love and not fucking it was just good ole christian baby making sex.

And any attempt that I had/have tried to make it better is thwarted by ruined plans or laughter. I have to give it to my husband though he has a good sense of humor for all of the crazy things I have thrown at him and some yet to be thrown but if memory serves correctly they will be knocked out of the park like everything else.

How did we get so consumed with sex in the first place? Is it just a depravity of human nature that we have become obsessed with it? Like when I scratch Delilah or Rupert's butt and the leg shake starts? Or are we just a bunch of creative SOB's and I am the one idiot that is thinking about it too much? Probably the second one.

Though I was watching family guy tonight and Peter and Lois were talking about their kids while strapping on leather duds and a ball gag dolling out a safe word like it was an average night for them. I was so envious! Of CARTOON CHARACTERS!

Maybe this is just my life and the only time I will yell banana is if I want one for breakfast... Oh hell I don't even eat breakfast....

Um I think I got gum on Your shorts...

When Rob came to my place when we were dating I always thought it was strange that he never brought over night clothes. I at the time, lived in Santa Cruz with my three male house mates, and he lived in the East Bay. So in my mind coming over to spend the day or even just the night would warrant some sleep wear and a change of something other than a shirt... I guess it may have crossed my mind then but I was just so twitterpated that it didn't matter.

I on the other hand, having thought about the fact that I thought he was so modest that it was kind of sweet. It was very low pressure. Actually, NO pressure at all. I kind of gave it away all up front. (I wonder if he regrets that about me sometimes.)

I thought that him sleeping in jean shorts must have been so uncomfortable for him, when really it was just male laziness. I know this because we have been married now for two years and he still sleeps in his shorts on a regular basis. Though if there were a fire he wouldn't be like me frantically looking for clothes to put on before I ran out of the house.

Well I thought he was trying as hard as I was to make the overnight thing just as magical as you see it in movies. I'm kind of a freak like that, so I try by always shaving/waxing, wearing makeup to bed, you know all the things that you wouldn't do if there weren't the prospect of new and exciting sex in the wings.

He wasn't. But that didn't deter me from trying my hardest. Now you must understand my motivation behind this was truly for the benefit of the morning after kiss. I suffered and still do suffer from, well its been called dragon breath. I am an avid gum chewer, I floss and brush at least three times a day and still its just horrible. I know it has to do with diet but I refuse to give up a lot of my diet so I deal with it how I can...

So I had the genius idea that if gum worked during the day it may as well work at night right? For the most part a flawless idea. I almost NEVER wake up with my mouth open unless I am horrendously sick so whats the worst thing that could happen?

One morning I woke up to find that the gum had rolled out of my mouth... part of it in my hair; and another part of it was on his shorts. This bright green lime mint gum was on his shorts! I'm sure you can imagine how much I freaked. This was so not in the realm of the perfect morning after.

Luckily I got the gum out of every where before he woke up, which I have to tell you was a miracle in itself because to this day I almost NEVER wake up before Rob. I brushed my teeth and slunk back into bed almost mortified and very plausibly; sure that he was somehow going to know what happened. He never found out.

But every morning I wake up to him in his jean shorts, I laugh to myself a little. Especially because he really could care less about the morning breath.

Those are the benefits of being married.

There is something comfortable...

There is something so comfortable about watching my husband play Halo3 while I procrastinate writing my book.

I guess the violence of how the dead players are being thrown about make the violence in my brain seem a little more normal. I don't even know if that makes sense. I must be looking for meaning again where there isn't any. At least not to that depth.

There seems to be nothing new, nothing fresh in my mind. Which you think wouldn't be a problem for someone who is writing historical fiction...

But its MY fictitious take on what REALLY happened to my family over the years. This truly is more of a pet project that my grandfather convinced me to do and that I really want to finish before his death.

Rob thinks that I have the drive and the passion to tell the story the way it should be told. But even in this blog there is nothing spectacular about how I am writing these thoughts down. Or Blogging these thoughts down, whatever...

So I go back to the feeling of comfort I have laying here on my bed, Rob next to me, playing video games as I seethe anger towards this project. I know even though I struggle with it , it is what I am supposed to be doing...

Im Proud of You...

My husband and I have been through a whole hell of a lot in our first year or two of marriage and it was just the other night that we had an "AH-HA" moment together.

However in the midst of everything he managed to say four words to me that made me realize that we really are still fighting the good fight for a reason. That there is a silver lining to every day... He managed to say something to me that my own father never has.

I'm Proud of You...

It was the single most encouraging moment in our marriage this year...